Ok so. As you all know, I got let go / restructured / whatever you want to call it from my last job. And I’m coming to the realization that I’m not sure how to move on from the people, or if I should.
This is coming up because I just walked back into the building where I currently work, and passed one of the consultants I used to work with at my prior job. His company now has office space in this tower, and what I’ve always had in the back of my head is what happens when I run into someone I used to work with?
Well in this case, what happened was I said hi in what I felt was a super friendly voice, and he kinda nodded and looked away. So … did he not recognize me and I was too friendly? Did he recognize me but felt awkward and didn’t want to engage?
So yeah. Where to begin? I just finished up my 7th week of training at my new job. I’m not done Christmas shopping. I haven’t planned cookies. My therapy schedule got shifted around. And my in-laws have Covid.
I guess let’s go in order down this list?
New job! I started the first week of November as a business analyst / implementation consultant for an ERP software company. Loooooots of training. They give everyone who starts a 3 week crash course, and then each department moves onto their role-specific training. It’s been a lot… Lots of moments of doubt, but also lots of feelings of triumph as I make progress and prove my doubts aren’t valid.
I talk to my coworkers? And we eat lunch together? It’s weird. Nice, but weird. Also, many of my coworkers are younger than me, which is … yeah it’s weird XD
Christmas shopping… I still need to get something else for my meta, so I’ll probably do some shopping this weekend. With all the other crazies, of course. But hopefully some brilliant idea will come to me in the next 16 hours…
Cookies… oh, Christmas cookies. I have such a love/hate relationship with them. I love baking, so the idea of Christmas cookies always sounds like tons of fun. But every time I try to do cookies with anyone else, something goes wrong somehow. With MIL, she always went totally overboard with 8 gajillion cookies. With my bff, she is.. not baking inclined so I needed to help out a bit extra (which is honestly the least annoying of everything). With my meta and her kids… well, kids. They’re 7 this year, and they’re starting to possibly understand that the word patience is in fact a word, but their attention span is still about 5 seconds and they have no concept of time. So this year I think I’m gonna just pick a few recipes that I like and make them over the weekend. Probably bring some in to the office next week so I don’t have to eat dozens and dozens of cookies by myself!
Therapy is weird now! I have sessions once a week but on different days now. One week on Monday, the next week on Thursday. It’s also during the day, so I have to break from work and go sit in my car (sessions are still virtual). I’m not loving it… but, like all change, I know I need to give it some more time before I decide if it’s really ok and I’m just salty about change.
And now. The in-laws.
A bit of backstory. Earlier this week, I scheduled my appointment for my Covid booster for this Saturday. Husband told me at some point after that that FIL wanted help moving his stuff from current/old job out of state to back home this weekend. Not looking forward to that in part because what about the after-effects of the booster?? Also that’s a lot of driving. Also, he’s a staunch anti-vax, anti-mask kinda person and I’d really rather not be around him.
Anyway. Today I asked about plans for the weekend, wondering what the timing is going to be. Husband said nope we’re just gonna get boosted, trip is off, both in-laws have Covid and MIL is in the hospital with Covid pneumonia.
On one hand, yes that sucks. Being sick is no joke, and they both have the potential to be in for a rough time not being vaccinated. This is actually the 2nd time FIL has had covid. On the other hand… neener neener stupid anti-science people getting what they deserve. Part of me agrees with the sentiment of wishing Covid would hurry up and run through all these people who think it’s no big deal and kill them off. I know that’s completely unrealistic and unfair for a number of reasons. But I also like the idea of eating a whole chocolate cake in one go so *shrug*.
Lots of stuff happening. Lots of feelings. So glad this December is shaping up to be another memorable one.
So, good news is I made it through September, and knock on wood, nothing too crazy happened in the remainder of the month.
I had various interviews with 4 separate companies, and submitted many .. many … many applications. Several of which I was, well not ghosted on because that implies initial contact. But no contact at all on. I think I prefer it when companies send even a form “thanks but no thanks” rejection.
I’m scheduled to start my new job next month, though!! Different industry, different field, but I gained enough applicable experience that they think I’m qualified 🙂 I had to try SO UNBELIEVABLY HARD not to yell in excitement while I was on the phone, lol.
I’ve stayed in contact with some former coworkers. I had a crazy email from the one, that basically boiled down to they sound fucked and there doesn’t seem to be a plan to un-fuck the place. I said man that sucks, and for as much as I’d love y’all to stay there so when I start working down the street from you next month, we can get together for lunch … I also don’t wanna see y’all suffer and would encourage whoever wants out to get out because WOW that’s not worth it. Getting fired has been a mixed blessing, for sure. Lots of true time off, and opportunity to do something different I may not have attempted if I was still employed.
What else.. oh yeah, convos w/ H still proceeding … we have had more conversations I think about sex in the last month than in the past few years combined. And look, that’s on me as much as it is on him. I won’t say one is worse than the other, but I know I personally have a very hard time talking about sex. There’s a lot of shame for me there and I just don’t know why. Did I just grow up in an environment where it was taboo and I never practiced having these conversations with friends? Did I not have any good adult role models growing up? (Lol duh, of course I didn’t.) Is this yet another thing where it’s ok if other people aren’t good at it and I understand that, but I’m feeling shame that I’m not good at it? (Lol yeah)
If nothing else, I’m hoping the next month will be filled with scary stories, scary movies, and self-reflection (and hopefully not where all 3 things are happening at the same time… 🙂 )
I’m on my … 2.5th rewatch of TWW … and this episode has struck a chord with me again. I started rewatching a few months ago, made it partway through season 5, hubs asked if we could start again from the beginning, and me being the nice person that I am (who also looooves TWW) couldn’t say no! So. Here we are.
The first thing is the obvious. Sorkin specifically points out (with a scene and with the episode title) how amazing the women are that are a part of the White House. Abbey, CJ, Mandy, Etc. And like. This just has not aged well. In part because yes, congratulations, you specifically have women with some degree of power and respect but why EXACTLY do we feel the need to call this out? Sure, maybe 20 years ago it was necessary to point this out, but it’s one of those things that ages poorly, and I wish there was a way to just.. either snip this little minute of convo completely out, or reword it, or something. But also my problem is in part because hellooooo these are all white women. Yeah there’s Bonnie, a minor character who is an assistant, and I haven’t made it all the way through the rest of the series yet so my memory is a bit fuzzy on if anyone else of note comes along. The cast, but esp the women, are incredibly monochrome. Not sure if that was an intentional choice to reflect the times, or if it was an unintentional choice and just so happened to reflect the times. Either way.. eh.
This is also the episode where Josh gets a card from the NSC with instructions on how to get to Air Force One or a bunker in the event of a nuclear attack. Pretty sobering stuff, right? He gets the card, and then asks about what his staff does. The poor NSC guy just kinda stands there with this look on his face like “Leo do I REALLY need to spell it out for this guy??” And then Josh finally gets it and tries to go about his day…
Only it’s really hard because it’s distracting him that he gets to be saved but his staff doesn’t. So he tries to go to both Sam and CJ for advice. Sam has no clue what he’s talking about, and CJ point blank says that her & other comms staff won’t be a high priority if there’s an attack (I’d argue SOMEBODY should be a priority, because I doubt the WH would just stop talking to the public, but her point does stand.)
In between seeing Sam & CJ, Josh goes to talk to his therapist, who is happy to see him because he hasn’t had a session in 10 months! And Josh makes some comment like, the people he works with would be nervous if they knew he was seeing a therapist.
And I’ve just got a lot of feelings about this whole scene, really. Why did Josh start seeing a therapist? Why did he stop? Why did Sorkin feel the need to write it like seeking therapy is something to be hidden? I mean, Tony Soprano was more open about seeing a therapist than anybody on TWW ever was, and that includes ******SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER****** when everybody else on senior staff bully Josh into talking to someone after he got shot, and when they bring the same guy back after Bartlett can’t sleep for days on end. ****** END SPOILER****** There is still that hush-hush attitude of seeking help from a therapist is something to be ashamed of. And you can see the evidence of that by the fact that this guy makes a couple appearances, and there’s the handful of other mentions, but that’s it for the whole series.
Why aren’t ALL of these people in therapy?? They have some of the most stressful jobs in the world, so why the hell wouldn’t the WH have a staff of therapists with high levels of security clearance so they could actually talk to these people? I mean, if you’re going to write this idealized vision of the world where a Really Smart Kid who won a Nobel prize before he was president could actually BE elected president, why not give a bit of a healthier attitude towards mental health, too?
Alright, so let’s see if I can get down into words what all has happened this month, Sept 2021…
Labor Day weekend-ish: H and I have a fight; he keeps asking why I am in a mood/overly emotional/whatever words he specifically chose. My response? Oh because 5 years ago this weekend was when you told me you weren’t happy and were thinking about separation and/or divorce. He wants to know why I remember that and think about that. … Uh because it was a big, traumatic event in my life and people tend to remember those. Or I tend to remember those, anyway. (Discussions ensue, we talk shit out, we all good.)
Sometime that week, H decides to put in his 2 weeks at current employer, in favor of a job offer.
Thursday that week, I get fired. Separated. Whatever word you want to use. Cue lot of emotions, and if I may say so, I think I did an admirable job holding myself together through the actual process. (They called me into the HR conference room, opened with a bad line, segued immediately into the “Here’s all you need to know” speech, refused to let me get my own stuff, actually gave me some false information (nothing big, but just.. still wrong) and sent me on my way.) Yeah I broke down when I called H to tell him what happened, and I alternated between sobbing and yelling for a bit. The yelling is because ok sure, no I didn’t WANT to be fired, but I literally JUST started the process of seeing doctors for my gastro issues and was due to have a consult appointment with a surgeon THE NEXT DAY. And they fucking took away my health insurance that I have paid into for years practically as soon as I started to use it. No, I don’t think that was a conscious decision on their part. I do think it was just bad timing. Yes, part of me wants to try to start a legal battle over it because fuck them. No, I most likely won’t because while I’d enjoy wasting their time, I’d also be spending energy on something that I don’t really think is worth it. It’s just nice to dream about.
Anyway. Friday, I apply for jobs and get registered on the state site for unemployment and have my appointments and all that fun stuff.
Monday thru Thursday is just a blur of stuff… Trying to navigate the (seemingly awful) state website and figure out how on earth this whole unemployment thing works. More applications. First round interviews.
Plussssssssss
H took this opportunity to start trying to have more serious conversations about our sex life. Lots and lots and lots and lots of words have happened since then, and while I feel like I need to get some of them down because this blog is supposed to be me recording my life… The same reason I don’t put tons of detail down about work or where I live or the real names of people I interact with, this is the internet, and I feel an obligation to have a certain degree of privacy regarding not only my life, but the lives of the people I care about. Maybe I should start a relationship-focused blog? And keep it separate from this one.
This is where I wonder if I should just journal instead of blog!
Oh and Friday? Two days ago? H decided he didn’t want to work for the place he originally thought he was going to start Monday (yes, as in 4 days from that day Monday) and fought to get an offer to a different company, got it, and accepted it. So he’s got a whole week free coming up 🙂 And yeah … part of me wanted him to stay with the original company because they had better health insurance and my health is my current freakout right now. I’m 33 years old and I know have to have the same exact concerns about being able to afford to go to the doctor that I did when I was in college. Our system fucking sucks.
So yeah. It’s only Sept 19th. Can’t wait to see what the rest of the month is like!
Yesterday was kind of a day, for a few reasons. There’s been a lot going on lately. And jesus I fucking hate saying that. It feels like all I say. There’s always a lot going on. Yet it somehow always feels like more… it feels true every time I say it…
Anyway.
About a year ago, hubs & gf & I made a schedule to help divide up our time. Gf wanted to see hubs more, and I like plans, so this is where we landed. He stays over at her place Wed & Sat nights. Sunday morning I go over for breakfast. Friday is my “date night” w hubs, but he sleeps here every other night that isn’t Wed or Sat. Yes, we see each other throughout the week, usually have at least one “family dinner”.
And this has been working fairly well, in my opinion. There’s been some bumps, of course, but I also feel like we’ve been adult enough to work through them. (Some of us needing more pressure to do so than others, not naming any names here…)
Except, ever since we got back from vacation, I haven’t been going over for Sunday breakfast. Only once or twice was it because I didn’t really feel up to going (I possibly had food poisoning on vaca, and it may or may not be hanging around.. idk.. that’s a long story for another time) and the rest, hubs would text me and tell me whatever his plans were or their plans were and it never included me going over for breakfast. Ok so. The time(s) I wasn’t feeling great it was no big deal. But the rest of the times?
Like, what happened on vacation for them to not want to see me? Did I do something wrong? Were they just enjoying the family of 4 more than the family of 5, and didn’t want me around? Was Sunday morning being replaced by farming Tuesday and nobody told me?
So yesterday I finally broke down and asked hubs why we weren’t doing breakfast anymore.
He said it was because I wasn’t feeling well and hadn’t seemed up to breakfasting in general, so he was trying to be considerate.
Ok great, thanks for thinking of me, but… it was never about actually eating breakfast. It was about spending time together, making time for the 3 or 5 of us, so I could feel included, because early on I was nervous about sleeping alone and not dealing well with it. And like… I’ve always said that. I said that at the beginning, and it’s never changed. Did they just.. forget about that? Assume I would be more ok with it now? Decide to not be adults and talk about it and I always have to be the fucking adult and force issues because nobody else does? 🙄
Anyway.
So I went over and we were gonna go to the park so the kids could run around, which they were apparently super excited for. Until it came time to drive there. Two cars (hubs idea) wasn’t ok and could we just try all going in moms car (gf’s idea). Sure whatever, I can fit in the back, I did with their other car seats and these ones are smaller, nbd.
We get there, and they don’t want to play. It’s too hot, there are other kids, they’re so tired…
Hubs & I get a hot minute alone, and he says he’s just in a mood today, gets about 5 words into an explanation, and one of the kids runs back over to show us a cool flower.
So yeah, park time was difficult at first.
Later in the day, hubs & I went out for dinner, and at some point I asked if he wanted to talk about whatever it was he was going to mention earlier. No pressure! He was saying his day turned around and I didn’t want him to talk about something that would upset him if he didn’t want to. But he decided yeah, a nice night out would be the perfect opportunity to be … pathotic? To have pathos? Idk. Something. Something sad and reflective and bleak.
His dad came over last weekend to talk while I was still asleep (because I apparently REALLY needed to catch up on sleep) and one topic that came up was the COVID-19 vaccine. And how his dad refused to get it.
Now, I know I’ve talked about FIL on here before, but just for some brief additional context here: this guy is a self-identified (though really bad at it) libertarian who voted for Trump and couldn’t be respectful of anyone who isn’t an Old White Guy for more than 2 minutes if his life depended on it. This is also the guy who married my crazy NC MIL and has questioned both of us repeatedly over the span of years now on why we don’t have an interest in talking to her, despite giving the same reasons over and over again. Put simply, he’s a Boomer who has fallen victim to all the stereotypical things Boomers fall victim to.
So the no vaccine thing isn’t a surprise. He was refused entry to multiple places last year because he refused to wear a mask, and was one of those people who made a scene about it. He apparently actually HAD COVID-19 at one point, unbeknownst to me, still not sure when exactly. He’s tired of Big Government overreaching and totally believes in personal responsibility, except when it’s inconvenient for him, and his being responsible would benefit someone other than him.
And gf has put or is putting her foot down and stating that she does not want his unvaccinated ass anywhere near her too-young-to-be-vaxxed kids.
Hubs is therefore trying to figure out how and when to have that difficult convo with his dad, or even if he should have it. Maybe it’s easier to just … drift away. I said he should have it, and sooner rather than later, because I know the issue will get forced come holiday time. But part of why he doesn’t want to have a convo at all is he believes it will lead to a fight. I said there doesn’t need to be a fight, but before I could explain further, he went on and said no no, there will be a fight, blah blah.
It’s about 10 years ago now that I went NC with my father. Sure, I like to say there wasn’t a fight, but it was easier with him 2 states away and our last convo was via phone and I hung up on him. It was a situation I had more control over. Hubs dad? Their house is about half an hour away, and I wouldn’t put it past him to drive over and demand to talk. In fact, that’s something hubs has mentioned in the past that he was afraid of happening. I don’t remember the exact situation, but he very clearly sat me down and said “don’t open the door for my dad—in fact just call the police if he shows up.” Partly because FIL qualifies for the label of “crazy gun nut” as well. I won’t go into detail here, but man, he’s one of the people that helps to ruin something for everyone. (Note here: I don’t have anything against hunting or target shooting or the concept of self-defense, but guns hurt & kill A LOT of people, so I’d rather see no guns than what we have now, if it has to be that black and white.)
We didn’t solve any of the worlds problems last night. No great epiphanies. Just the continual realization that it seems like we as a society are doomed, and everything is only going to get worse…
And as much as I want to help make things better, I also just want to stick my head in the sand and enjoy the small things I have while they last.
Just keep pedaling. Just keep pedaling. Just keep… Ugh!
The woman scoffed as her front bicycle tire hit a pothole in the road, hidden by the monsoon flooding. The handlebars absorbed most of the impact, though she knew her ribs would start bruising by tonight. This would only make her pilgramage to Talantia longer, and it was too early in the day for sopping wet shoes and pants, and now her hat was wet too, and…
She walked her bike over to the side of the road and sat down on a bench. The bench backed against an old, not quite yellow-brick-road yellow brick building. A more real yellow brick. She stared out across the road, across the floodwaters, across the bay, and at the mountains, faint on the horizon. Tiny little things. Somewhere high up in the mountains was a village with no name, and somewhere not far outside the village was the sacred space known as Talantia. Her mother, her mother’s mother, her mother’s mother’s mother, all the way back for as many generations as her family could track, had all travelled to Talantia at least once in their lifetime. For some, it was nothing more than a story and tradition to pass down. For others, though…
Talantia defied the laws of the universe. The woman had studied all her life to try to understand what could make such a place possible. She studied string theory, cosmology, psychology, neurology, astrology and religion, and none of them could explain what supposedly happened at Talantia. She had read the diaries passed down, and all they spoke of were feelings and intuition and the house was floating higher tonight. None of it made any sense, and yet…
The woman grabbed the collar of her shirt and wiped away her tears. Forget this, she thought. I’m not going to go just because some I had some silly dream. She stood up and turned her bicycle around. As she swung her leg over the seat, the world quieted and she noticed a faint scratching noise. She paused when a low hiss started, and her face blanched when a voice whispered, “…… Talantia …… Talantia … we’re waiting for you in Talantia …”
The diaries in the front basket of her bicycle were jumbled from hitting the pothole, but the blue one even more so. As the woman grabbed it and opened the cover, the wind flipped the pages, carrying with it the faint and scratchy “… Talantia …” The wind stopped. The woman looked down and read the entry:
Dear Diary,
My record player started playing by itself last night. The record in it had no markings, and the only thing that played was a voice saying over and over “We’re waiting for you in Talantia.” I guess I’ll pack today and head out tomorrow.
The woman snapped the diary shut, placed it reverently back in the basket, and pedaled a quick 180, back once more on the road to Talantia.
(I still don’t know what the hell this image is or what it’s from…)
I found it because someone shared a still from Babylon 5 where, ok well I can’t say it here because it’s a huge spoiler, but anyway. Someone shared a still, J M Straczynski was tagged in it, he quote tweeted and I follow him, so it popped up in my timeline. Anyway. Details maybe not so important, but there they are.
I started thinking, what one picture would I share that changed *my* entire concept of what television could be?
My first thought is it’s gotta be something from B5. Maybe with the Shadows, or Londo/G’Kar, or Kosh, or Ivanova…
But then I started thinking. Sure. B5 was ground-breaking. One of the first, if not THE first, shows on TV to really do big, multi-episode story arcs. Telling a big, epic story in little tiny increments, instead of telling little tiny stories that all happen to be part of a universe. And yeah, when I first was watching this, it was definitely a different experience than watching M*A*S*H or Law & Order or Stargate SG-1 or whatever else I was watching at the time that was on syndication. I HAD TO BE THERE. Some of that was emotional investment, sure, but a lot of it was knowing I would be super confused if I missed an episode. So, yes, if I had to pick one, B5 is it.
In actuality though, how big of an impact did it really have on me and my mind? I was relatively young, mid-teens. I had a few years of watching not-kid-TV under my belt. So I would like to think that my mind was still pretty malleable and open to change, and that seeing something like B5 was just me seeing something else in the world.
On the flip side, I could list dozens of books that have blown my mind when I read them, and made me realize that I really know nothing at all, and can continue to be amazed at story-telling. From things almost 20 years ago when I was barely a teen like Memory, Sorrow, & Thornby Tad Williams to things five years ago like Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen to things less than a year ago like The Three-Body Problemby Liu Cixin.
I could tell you that despite watching the movie Fantasia as a kid, the first piece of music that really made me realize it could tell me a story was The Firebird by Stravinsky (also when I was a kid.. but a slightly older kid… maybe 10? 12?) Frank Sinatra was maybe my super-long-ago gateway to jazz, though more recently Kamasi Washington opened my ears again. Mumford & Sons taught me that hey, anything labled “folk” isn’t necessarily an immediate write-off. Celldweller pointed me towards electronic/rock fusion. And Ghost opened a whole world of metal (that, while I was a metal fan before, I was fairly limited in my listening).
So.. now that I’m thinking through books & music as I am, I’m left wondering not if there has been not a single show since Babylon 5 that has made any impact on be, but if I just can’t/don’t *remember* what shows have had an impact.
Is it because I have shelves full of books and a hard drive full of music? Is it because I bought those things, where tv has just been consumed because it’s something to fill the time? Am I less invested in the stories when I’m watching them or they’re taking so long, so the impact is lessened? Or is it really that I had all these other things that started opening my mind, in combination with all this other stuff?
I don’t think I’ve fan-girled too much over here about The Stormlight Archives by Brandon Sanderson. Which is a shame, because I really, really love basically all of his books. He’s just a White Guy ™ and I’m trying not to go too crazy over White but particularly Male authors lately… They get enough hype as it is. But it’s important that this whole thing gets some context, so here we are.
I picked up The Way of Kings some years back on a whim. I’d heard Sanderson wrote some good stuff, and this was supposedly the start of this hugely epic fantasy take, so why not. I think I’d just been burned by Wheel of Time, so to say I had high hopes would be overstating things. But I bought it as an ebook, and quickly got sucked in.
You know how with some books, you really fall in love with specific aspects of it? A character, or a couple characters/their relationship, or the world building, or the magic system, … And everything else is just kinda there as filler? I mean, that’s usually what happens to me, is I get invested in part of the story, and the rest is just stuff that happens.
Not this book.
First off, I knew it was special because I loved the main character. I’m kinda weird in that regard, because normally while I like main characters just fine, I usually find a secondary character that really resonates with me and they are why I stick with the story. Kaladin is this… So he’s got this crazy story and I don’t want to spoil too much of the book if I can avoid it, but basically he gets stuck in this impossible scenario of trying to do the right thing but always getting beaten down. He very clearly struggles with depression, and thinks he just should have tried harder. Or that it’s all worthless so why bother trying at all. And… I get that.
But it’s not all about Kaladin, and I actually love most of the main characters to the point where I don’t know if I can pick a favorite. Just kidding, it’s totally Jasnah. But that’s not the point.
I actually want to talk about Dalinar and his big discoveries in Oathbringer. So, if you haven’t read that far, warning. Undisclosed spoilers to follow.
This is Dalinar’s book. Kaladin had Way of Kings, Shallan had Words of Radiance. Like both of them, but perhaps moreso because he is of an older generation, Dalinar has had a hard life. We see here that he was once a young, stupid boy who tried to show off for a girl and let the Thrill get the better of him in battle. We knew he was drunk and passed out when Gavilar was killed, and that was part of the reason he was so regimented and closed off. But this delving into his backstory brings up all new pain.
He struggles to remember his wife, his youth, his purpose, and he struggles with his understanding of the world around him. He has spoken the First Ideal of the Knights Radiant, but he’s not sure he fits in. He just.. goes through the motions in order to try to make sense of life. (Again… This is so relatable.)
One of his struggles is understanding “the most important step a man can take.” I haven’t read the book since it came out, so you’ll have to excuse me when I say I can’t quite remember why he is so obsessed with this idea. Is it because of something mentioned in The Way of Kings? (The book in the book, not the book.. oh, hell, this is confusing..) Was it something Gavilar said? The Stormfather? Anyway. He’s obsessed with this idea and trying to understand.
For a minute, he believes the most important step a man can take is the first step. Journey before destination and all, you have to get started on the journey first. Right?
Well.
Except it takes him about 1000 pages to realize that we are all ALREADY on the journey. We started our journeys before we even knew what we were doing, before we could even walk.
That first step? Already done. Who cares.
What’s really important is the NEXT step.
You’ve made it this far in life. Congratulations! That’s a big deal! But.. don’t stop. Again, journey before destination. Life is not about where you will end up, because we are all going to have the same destination: death. It’s how you get there that’s important. It’s the journey. It’s how you live your life.
And look. Life can be scary. Change can be scary, and it may be hard to get through it. Hell, I know I have flat out stopped trying on certain things because that’s how scary change can be.
And this is ultimately where I wanted to end up a gazillion paragraphs or so (you can see why I like big books).
My life had a big change a couple years ago. We decided to enter into a polyamorous triad. And it has been a crazy ride, with good parts and bad parts and scary things and comforting things. But look. The GF and I had a talk a couple weeks ago and she said that she had been talking to a friend who is a therapist and has been trying to figure out what she is ok with as far as this relationship goes.
We’re cut from a similar mold, in that we both struggle with feeling good enough. In the beginning, I was worried that I wasn’t good enough for my husband. In the beginning, she worried that she wasn’t good enough for him to have a whole relationship with only her. I still worry that one day, they’re gonna realize that I’m not worth having around and they’ll dump me and ride off happily into the sunset. And it’s because of that fear that I haven’t ever really sat down to think about how far their relationship has or should progress.
It feels so analytic and detached to put it this way, but I don’t know a better way… So say there’s 7 steps in a relationship. So far, I’ve been ok with them going to step 3. But I haven’t forced myself to consider the results of them progressing to step 4. At least not in any meaningful sense. Sure, I’ve thought about all the ways it can go wrong for me. But.. I’m not the only one in this relationship, and I am never gonna know what will happen if I don’t let that next step happen.
I also feel incredibly selfish in this regard, which I am struggling with. Part of me wants to say, “go ahead, do whatever! Go have sex and spend 17 nights in a row there if that’s what happens naturally!” Because why do I get to be the one that says what can and cannot happen?
But I know that I am a person with feelings and I am allowed to have an opinion and I should be heard and listened to, in a healthy relationship.
So my next step is working to find a balance between these two ideas. They need to have and deserve a healthy relationship as much as I do, and why should I not try to help that along as much as I can?
Nobody can see the future, so nobody can tell me how this is all going to play out. But for me to stand in the way almost feels actively destructive. Maybe not actively. But it’s definitely not doing anybody any favors.
Thank you, Dalinar, for helping me to remember to take the next step. A journey means there will be success and failure along the way, and the only wrong choice is to remain standing still.
I had this really awesome conversation on Twitter today, and it just.. it reminded me why I love the internet and has helped me get a bit re-inspired to be a better person.
I don’t remember how I found Musher Twitter. Someone shared or liked something or other, and I got drawn in by the photos of dogs. But I am staying because of a couple people I found (ok yes and the dog photos). Their names are Quince Mountain and Blair Braverman, and they run BraverMountain Mushing. They are both wonderfully genuine people, and are so kind and empathetic from what I see of their online interactions. Q is one of the most patient and intentful people I’ve seen in a long time. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast pace of online life, and the cruelness of being able to insult or poke fun or antagonize and block. It’s refreshing and inspiring to see someone who doesn’t stoop to insults.
Anyway. This convo started when I replied to a reply of a reply (or something like that) and it was a post talking about the kind of insularness that can be seen amongst (assumed) white blue collar workers. The tone of the men was “I’m a Christian who believes in 2 genders, pro Trump, pro police, and if you don’t like it, you can unfriend me.” And Q started with something like, this is a way for a group of people to have a strong, correct opinion about something and find support, and is about blaming others rather than taking responsibility for being “wrong”. (I say “wrong” because honestly, maybe these people don’t know any better. It may not be willful wrongness, but rather unwillful ignorance.)
I didn’t expect anyone to take notice of my reply, except maybe the person I replied to, not necessarily anyone else in the chain. But other people, Q included, picked up on what I said and we ACTUALLY TALKED ABOUT STUFF. Like.. how do we have a conversation with a person that actually thinks these things? How can it be a *productive* conversation? Because I’ll admit, sometimes it is exhausting trying to talk to people who do their heels in and refuse to listen or try to understand what you’re saying. But then what also came up is how to change the conversation so that it’s something they can hear and understand.
And I dunno. It was just really awesome to have a real convo with someone, about an important topic, with someone who wanted to engage and was respectful, too.
Like I said… On social media, it’s so easy to just talk into the void or your echo chamber, and so easy to ignore the replies you don’t like. Insult someone and then make it so they can’t respond. Block someone so you never see the opposing side.
But I have always been the idealist, and thought the internet should be this free, open, unregulated space where people from all over can find each other and engage in conversation and productivity where they might not be able to IRL. Put all the information out there so anyone can find it. Libraries worth of knowledge at everyone’s fingertips! You can learn about anything you ever wanted!! And it just… Isn’t that. Some of the time. Today was a really good reminder that it CAN be like that. And that it’s totally worth it.
Tamishu's Ramblings 